mashe | Notes 001

alrighty so I, like every other person who uses this site, am going to word dump at random now I guess.

really trying to get a hold on how the heck to use dw because i think it is such a fun idea and i love reading about other people's lives from little snippets and being able to tag your own silly little thinkpieces and looking back on them years later.

also i spend like... the whole day yesterday reading ppl's journals and it's so interesting. like normally when you get a glimpse-glimpse into someone's life from an outside perspective, it's like a celebrity w a curated image or some funky vlogger. like even if they're totally unknown there's always the possibility of being seen--- by your family, your friends. maybe i just wasn't on tumblr/had a blog in its popular eras. anyways. there's the comfort of knowing that 3.5 people know what dreamwidth is and they're all across the world having their own lives but maybe they're perceiving me. also it feels like i'm talking to somebody instead of just addressing my future self.

also when dw posts have the cut? i have no idea what it is but it gives me the feeling of a little gift; like ooooh i get to read more? this is actually so silly of me idk idc.

using dw is also v text-based-feeling and i guess i sort of need that. i don't let myself draw in my physical journal (except i rlly do usually be spiraling when i use it, so.) bc i just need to keep it separate, yknow? sketchbooks r for art and occasional notes, but writing is writing. maybe it's because i look back on my art and feel ashamed of it, and i don't want my thoughts to be tainted by that?

thoughts on fic writing:
maybe it's because the ppl i follow on here r fic writers that i love, but like. you are all so cool. also maybe it's because u r all a little older and living life a step ahead of me. i guess it's kind of embarrassing that i'm just. writing about how cool these little people in my phone are. but also maybe u thought this wall of text was too uninteresting and x-ed out 2 paragraphs ago. umm anyways.
getting to write fic: year in review posts is so cool!! to me. like you have actual stats and word counts and things to say. also fic commentaries--- esp when it's a fic i love, reading the commentaries is just like the behind-the-scenes of a movie i can't get enough of. it's just so lovely, that someone not only poured so much love into a piece of writing, and then some more into sharing a little more of their brain process.

they say a picture tells a thousand words but i've never actually like felt it felt it. visual art (referred to as just art moving forward) and writing r treated and consumed so differently online, esp in fanspaces. there's just... less to say? on ao3 i can say that this line gave me the chills and reminded me of my family and grabbed my heart and tore it out of my chest. i felt it in my bones and this entire fic made me want to work harder to achieve my dreams. but art on twitter? idk like at most i feel like i can say it reminded me of a memory i forgot about--- a feeling of awe, maybe, for how actually amazing the artist is.
maybe it's because i have somehow simultaneously developed an inferiority and superiority complex? ummm is it a superiority complex i did not do my research

anyway
yeah idk how i feel about art but if i think too hard about it i will want to drop out and become an electrician for the money and do art as just a hobby
actually anyways now

i started this entry somewhere near a week ago but then was so caught up w life (aka our school's yearbook submission deadline and then a 30 pg history project 😑) that i never finished and posted it so i am Doing It Now while i avoid doing any of my french hw

sorry this is extraordinarily wordy i love when i see ppl posted on dw and it's super long idk it just feels kinda like when u get an ao3 subscribed chapter update

our yearbook was finished 3 minutes before the deadline and i am so grateful to my friend and also our advisor for staying up so late checking alignments and typos and visibility

also i am salty-not-salty about the other 3 editors not working on it that night (even though i get that they have lives. like you committed to this. it is literally our final day.) bc it p much meant that we 3 had full final say over stuff
madison u will never see this but i love you (platonic) and actually think you are so cool and not just like in a you're-my-friend-ofc-i-think-you're-cool but like bro u r so overpowered and i think nyu is rlly losing out and i hope we stay friends even when we're middle-aged

i have been so sleep deprived recently it is Very Bad

also i have practicing driving a lot a lot bc my dad is going to taiwan this week and cannot drive me places. proud of myself i guess. do need to get more sleep though so i will be a safer driver

random thoughts i have had over the last few days:

i actually can't believe i passed my math test,,, like a 62 is nowhere near great but i thought i got like a 13 so that's a relief,,, perhaps i shant fail calc,,,

someone recced a fic on the discord, i thought it looked interesting, read the whole thing thru, thought it was good and tried to kudos, and ao3 told me i had alr kudosed and bookmarked it

but i had no memory of reading it?? hsdlkfj my memory is failing me

i seriously read it like it was the first time,,, how